I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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