an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
