yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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