i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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