I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
