I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
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