Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
