I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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