Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
If I die, sorry about rent.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
