I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
