I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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