I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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