haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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