So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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