dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
