Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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