I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He passed out mid-signature
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
