Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
