Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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