he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
