Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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