hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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