I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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