Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
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I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
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Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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