I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.