He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.