tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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