Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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