I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
