You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
