First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Who died my cat blue again?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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