were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
