My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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