i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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