my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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