After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
