I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
