I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
