I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
