we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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