Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
