What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
