just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
