Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
