I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Two words: nipple clamps
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