if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
