Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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