Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Having a random hookup so left but love u
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize