how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
