there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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