Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
