and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
