May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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