Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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