Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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