It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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