I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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